Hi, my name is Kam and I'm 24...let me give you the history.

I have always been able to ignore and control my emotions, I did what I wanted to get what I wanted, until I met Rachel 4 years ago. I never knew how to show my love, I never got any growing up at all I did not know how to act around people and paid for it dearly. I was not there for the Love of my life emotionalt when she needed me, and wanted me. It took her breaking up with me to unleash my emotions I have had bottled up for my whole life. I never cared about anything but her, yet I treated her like crap by telling her she was crying for no reason, and telling her to shut up in fron of people, getting overly mad when she interrupted me, when she felt left out at partys I wouldnt notice and when she would walk off I wouldnt go after her, thinking she was just overreacting, I was thinking in my thoughts, as in I wouldnt be mad about that, I knew she was shy and needed help ,but did nothing. She did everything for me and would apologize after doing something out of line, I did nothing not even and expression on my face. The last 2 months we were together I tried as hard as I could to hold on to her, when we started to communicate again, beacause we were in a better situation(we had a bad roomate experiance, she wanted to move out, I took my sweet time, I hurt her doing this). I would leave her out of conversations, and was a jerk without knowing.
But I have turned around and changed myself for the better....its been 2 months since we broke up, we still live together and share a room, but she is seeing someone else, and wants to sleep when shes around me(she has narcolepsy) but she cant sleep when I'm around her, anyone at that. I work graveyard, all my friend work days, so does she. I am now in touch with my feelings and am doing everything I can to win her back, but not matter what I do, nothing works. I understand why shes doing what shes doing. But I was such a stone cold person I didnt know any emotional pain, I never let it happen because I got screwed over in life repeatedly by family. She likes me as a friend now...but I love her more then ever...Even if I had someone else I still wouldnt be the same...I mean its Rachel....my one and only. I've dated others, but she is something special, I feel like I could do or say anything around her, she feels the same, but is no loner attracted to me because of the pain I put her through. I dont know what to do I am so lonely....when I'm not working I am all alone, with nobody to be with since I work graveyard...I cant go out and hang out when they are off, because of my hours....I am also depressed...I've lost my confident edge I once had...always sure in my decisions, always on the ball...the go to guy....I have trouble just finding a reason to get up and live.....I have thought of suicide...I havent done anything bad for 4 months, nothing but gifts and notes and poems and being nice, bringing food she loves, helping her when she needs help. I feel so worthless for treatinging her so bad....thats the mainthing I feel bad about, putting her through the pain I am feeling now....I am so disgusted and I hate myself so much....all I do is think about her, and all the things I want to do and say for the rest of my life to make up for those 4 years, but I broke her heart and forced her to move on,  and she couldnt tell me how she felt because I wouldnt listen thinking she was just crying over other issuse at work. I cry constantly and have nothing. I need help on what to do...I cant go on living like this day by day. I dont know how to stop loveing her....thinking of another person just touching her makes me want to kick in this guys face...I am so tempted to go back to my old ways and just go make this guy break up with her by breaking his face...but I cant do that to Rachel, I need her to want to be with me....but its hard to have hope when she spends her wake time with this guy....I come home at 6 in the morning and her care isnt there....I know shes staying the night at his house this way....it kills me inside....I wish she would at least break it off until I get into the Navy sometime in august, so I dont have to have it all up in my face...I'm lost without her... and I'm willing to do anything she says, all I need is a chance to prove to her I am willing to go the mile for her, but she says she wants something "different" which is a crushing blow to my heart... but I still love her, and want her to do good...I dont know what I'm going to do, I've never talked to any other girls while going out with Rachel...and I took this job so I could pull my weight in paying the bills, now it just seems pointless...I only work with 3 other people at work...they all have busy familys...I feel so alone...please can someone help me with some sound advise? And I have tried getting over her, I just cant...not matter what I do I think of Rachel.